Oh new american GIiirlfriend!
by Hitomi-chanchan
Summary: Pure Crack, thats it. Au setting mostly, CielxSebastian out in the open, slight AloisxClaude and one-sided AloisxCiel, just read it T for language and mentions of rape and implied smexing and what not...in public.


_Warning, extreme crack ahead, but omigod have fun._

_Ciel Phantomhive: Kashi-chanchan_

_Sebastian Michaelis: (mostly) Kashi-chanchan_

_Alois Trancy: Hitomi-chanchan_

_Claude Faustus: Hitomi-chanchan _

_Kuroshitsuji belongs to Yana Toboso, all other references belong to their respective owners, we claim ownership of nothing, not even this period. _

*Setting, the Mall*

Alois: (tackles Ciel) I found you shiedu!

Ciel: ugh, don't call me that (shoves him off) and its Ciel-sempai to you…freak. (Keeps walking)

Alois: (shoves violently to the ground.) what ever you say celly-boy (struts away)

Ciel: (fed up) hey! Don't you strut away from me! (Tackles down)

Alois: (under Ciel, giggles) heehee, mission accomplished (flips them over, pins Ciel down, straddles him, unaware of Sebastian's looming and seething presents)

Ciel: … you won't get very far.

Sebastian: (picks Alois up, throws away from them, kneels next to Ciel) bouchan?

Ciel: (sighs) I'm fine

Alois: (slams into wall, giggles) you're a bit late sebby-chan, maybe you should reclaim him? (Eyes glint)

Sebastian: (smirks in Sebastian way) gladly (moves in on Ciel)

Alois: (watches intently, takes out some oily fish and chips, eats)

Ciel: (to Alois, voice strained) Fuck you! I count this as rape!

Alois: (giggles) but you know you love it~

Claude: (sees them, goes over to them, picks Alois up off of floor, looks at Ciel's flushed face, eye twitches)

Alois: (shoves Claude onto floor, sits on him)

Ciel: (panting) I HATE YOU ALL!

Sebastian: (smirk)

Alois: (takes Lord of the Rings our of Claude's book bag, flips to random page, starts reading) Hey Ciel-neko

Sebastian: (eyes glint, goes harder)

Alois: did you know Sméagol was apparently gay with his friend Deagol and when Deagol found the ring, Sméagol strangled him for it? Heh, that's my kinda guy (eyes Claude)

Ciel: (gets away from Sebastian who is satisfied, breathing hard) that's creepy

Alois: (eyes sparkle) I know huh? Creepy little gay naked man… (Giggles)

Ciel: (wipes mouth) but I bet you like that don't you.

Alois: (horrified) oh god no, in Gollum? Eww. Those characteristics are only attractive in people like Claude (glomps lovingly from sitting position)

Claude: (fixes glasses)

Sebastian: (helps Ciel stand up, winds arms around waist)

Ciel: (to Alois) hey, maybe he would make an expression if you set his junk on fire (glares down at Claude)

Alois: (gasps excitedly) hey ya! (Coos) Claudy-bear (nuzzles) give me your lighter,

Claude: …no…your highness

Alois: please~? (Puppy eyes)

Claude: … (Remains indifferent)

Alois: (searches through pockets anyway) Damn! Where is it? (Looks up at Claude)

Claude: …in my…other pants.

All: … (Stare at him)

Alois: (rummages around) meh- Claude is it in your underwear again? Why do you do that silly? (Reaches down pants)

Claude: (flicker of unknown emotion passes across face) …your highness…

Ciel: … (Blank stare)

Sebastian: (nuzzles Ciel's neck)

Alois: (gives up) dammit Claude! Sebastian, do you have one? Even though you don't know how to use it…

Ciel: Sebastian, lighter (holds out hand)

Sebastian: hai hai (takes out a blow torch, gives to Ciel)

Ciel: (gives to Alois)

Alois: (eyes sparkle) thanks sexy, (takes blow torch, aims at Claude) hehe. Hold still Claude, my darling slut.

Claude: … (Tackles Alois starts making out with him)

Alois: mind goes blank (responds) ngh- not…fair

Ciel: … (Flatly) one track mind.

Sebastian: (leads Ciel away)

Civilians: (stares at uncomfortably, walks on)

*Setting, Ciel's House, Ciel's room after school*

Ciel: (sitting on window seat, looking at picture of self from years ago)

Alois: (barges into room, takes picture from Ciel, sits on lap, looks at picture)

Ciel: (annoyed but smirks) bet you wish you were that cute when you were little, eh Trancy?

Alois: (smirks back, throws frame across room) oh but I was and am darling~ (winks, wraps arms around Ciel's neck)

Ciel: (stands up, Alois falls, moves to bed, lies down on stomach) At least I wasn't disgraced.

Alois: (stands up) hey, I did what I had to. (Lies next to him) and who was it that was used in a satanic ritual and possibly raped before hand? (Whispers) you Ciel…you (pokes nose) boop! (Giggles)

Ciel: (wrinkles nose) …at least I was saved from that; you still lived with the rapist till he croaked. (Takes out phone, starts texting Sebastian)

Alois: Heheheheh…indeed…I wore him out… (Face becomes serious) Fucking old shit…Claude 'faced him… (Sees Ciel texting, loudly) I'M BORED. Do something hoe.

Ciel: (glares at) I'm not your servant you bumbling idiot.

Alois: (nudges with foot) C'mon, don't make me start singing~

Ciel: (ignores, goes back to texting Sebastian)

Alois: Ra raw o la la, roma ro ma ma, gag a, o la la, roma a romance. Something something vertical stick. I want your lovin, I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance, oo oo oo oo oooh uwa aho, uwoo oo ooo, whoohoo, caught in a bad romance (stands up starts dancing on bed)

Ciel: (looks away) dammit your wearing short shorts you fag! AND STOP SINGING!

Alois: (keeps singing)

Ciel: FINE FINE! GOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Sebastian: (comes into room)

Ciel: oh thank god.

Alois: hey Sebastian! Come pole dance on Ciel while I sing!

Sebastian: (raises eyebrow, looks at Ciel) bouchan?

Ciel: (blushes, lies down on bed and looks away)

Alois: (sits on his back) Sebby-chan, Ciel is pointy. (Smirks) help him out like the good little slave you are, oh wait, you don't like to be called that do you? (Innocent expression)

Ciel: (moves out from under him) get away from me

Alois: (gets volume one of Kuroshitsuji off Ciel's book shelf, moves up against him on bed) Hey, I caught another inaccuracy in the manga! (Shoves at Ciel) see, it says here you and finny like to watch a T.V. show, but it's Victorian England! They didn't have T.V. or Superman or…cell phones.

Ciel: Yes, I thought that was rather stupid of Ms. Toboso. (Crawls over to Sebastian, cuddles into his arms)

Sebastian: (smiles fondly)

Alois: (takes out phone and goes online, starts laughing hysterically) Hey Ciel! Twenty four CielxLizzy fics! At all. And like hundreds of you and Sebastian! That's so damn funny!

Sebastian: (smirks) well we are the main characters.

Alois: I know! But that just shows how many people see the series in THAT way.

Ciel: … who wouldn't? It's so implied.

Alois: (head perks up) Oh~ Dinner! Bye! (Jumps out window)

Sebastian: …isn't this the second story?

Ciel: (straddles him) forget him, I'm sure he's fine (smiles sweetly)

Sebastian: (smirks)

_More later, and now side notes._

_Yes, in the lord of the rings, Sméagol actually calls his best friend 'my love' all the time, and does in fact strangle him for the ring._

_In the manga, Yana Toboso does actually make references to Superman and that, even though there in the Victorian age, they have cell phones and TV's but you probably all know this because you've probably all read the first one._

_Alois was rapped_

_It's implied that Ciel was too. _

_There are actually only twenty four CielxLizzy fics in the fan fiction archive, last I checked, I swear to god, I laughed so hard. _

_Love you all, please review, and tell me if you have any ideas for my Ciel-chan and I_


End file.
